finding balance

It is entirely possible that I just need to relax.

Because I want to be disciplined. I do. Discipline. I want to have that word tattoed on my being. I want to be a discplined eater, liver, lover.

But so much of who I am is not disciplined. I am not the militant type when it comes to my classroom: I digress. I divugle. I diverge. I am a messy pile of pocket refuse when it comes to love.

Discipline is what I seek, but it isn't who. I. am.

I like drinking alcohol and letting loose. I like making plans and breaking them. Having fun. Relaxing. Laying in the warm sun when there is laundry that needs to be done. I like eating ice cream with sticky and sickly sweet fudge. Going to bed with my makeup still on.

I want to be good, but I can't be perfect. I think I need to find a better balance.

Balance.

breakfast: Spaghetti squash with one egg, olive oil, parm cheese, sauteed spinach
lunch: mexican stew with 1/2 avocado
snack: half banana
dinner: salad with spinach, pecan, strawberries, blue cheese, balsamic

exercise: barre blast

balance.

Day 2 of 21

New plan: I am going to focus on striving for 21 days of "clean" eating with no binges. I will allow myself wine, but no other refined/processed foods (except sausage and bacon).

Breakfast: Onion & brussels sprouts with one egg and some sausage, coffee with cream & suagr
Lunch: Salad with spinach, chicken, onion, bl. cheese, black olives, avocade, honey mustard dressing
Snack: banana
Dinner: Mexican Beef stew with cauli rice, cilantro, and avocado

Exercise: 8 x 400 treadmill workout with 1/2 mile warm up and 1/4 mile cool down (4.75 miles)

Back in the saddle-ish

Breakfast: 2 paleo pancakes with honey and 1/2 banana, coffee with cream and sugar
Lunch: spinach salad with strawberries, almonds, chicken thigh, blue cheese, balsamic, water
Snack: none
Dinner: Mexican beef stew with cauliflower rice, water
Post-dinner eats:  some bites of cauli rice, remainder of mexican-spiced sweet potato fries (1/4 cup), 1/2 cup mexican-spiced broccoli, 3 black olives, tea, water

Today was an improvement. Improvement is what I'm seeking. My main plan for the next seven days (only 6 now), is to focus on going one whole week binge-free.

Last night wasn't ideal. One of my triggers is defintely evening-time, and making my dinner makes me want to snack on the food that I'm cooking. I think I need to quit preparing food at night after dinner time. I can prepare meals during the day on the weekend or try to prepare everything at once before dinner so that I am not tempted to sneak bites of food after dinner.

That said, I did not binge. I ate more calories than needed, but I kept it to "clean" foods, and I didn't feel awful or full afterwards.

I also did the dreaded: I weighed myself. 149.8. That means that since February, I have gained about ten pounds through bingeing, which I am hoping to re-lose by the end of school, 7 weeks away. I am considering counting calories again, but I'd rather not. I am going to eat clean for the next two weeks, go BINGE-FREE, and then decide, after looking at my weight and seeing how I feel, whether I need to make a conscious effort to limit calories.

Sugar-high

Breakfast: 2 paleo carrot cake pancakes, banana, maple syrup, coffee w/ cream & sugar
Snack: 2 sandwich cookies from Mr. Cobb :(
Lunch: half steak chile relleno, mexican sweet potato fries, mexican-spiced brocoli
Snack: rice krispy treat from cafeteria
Dinner: salad
BINGE: almond butter (1/2 jar)
Exercise: barre blast

I am feeling out of control and insatiable. I feel almost to the point where I can't even have food in the house at all because I just want to consume all of it. Last night, I couldn't help myself from eating the thick-iced chocolate cupcake that I knew was in the fridge.

Today, I willingly decided to go to the cafeteria and buy a rice krispy treat, even though it was wholly unsatisfying because what I'm really wanting is a binge, not a cupcake or any other sweet treat.

I need to find something else to fill this emptiness. I realized last night that I used to do yoga many night a week, which occupied my evening alone time. 7-9 pm is when I've been getting off-track (today is the exception), so I just need to make sure I keep myself busy during that tumultuous time.

Nothing much else to say on this gray and crappy day.

Bad weekend, bad Monday, boo-hoo

Weekend
Friday: followed eating plan, no exercise
Saturday: decent with some later evening night eating, all paleo, ran 5K
Sunday: overate at breakfast, ice cream, salad for dinner, late-night cupcake eating :(, ran 5 miles and walked 4 with stroller

Things are going downhill.  Feeling out of control.

The problem with exercise

Misleading title, I'll admit.

There are no problems with exercise. I love exercise. I need exercise. Without exercise, I am depressed, lethargic, lazy, agitated, fill-in-the-blank-with-other-negative-adjectives. I have given up other hobbies to dedicate more time to exercise. I have spend a lot of money on exercise and exercise-related items.

HOWEVER, exercise does not necessarily go hand-in-hand with healthy eating for me.

For instance, I ate relatively little last night for dinner and went running this morning. My leftovers were running low, so I had a very small lunch. at 2:00 pm, I ate my pre-workout banana because I was FAMISHED and guess what? 55 minutes later, I am still famished, and I still have to work out after work. And not just some jaunt on the exerbike while I watch Ellen. Three miles of sprint/recovers.

When I leave the gym, my hunger will be growing and when I get home, I will be starving. When I am starving and still have to cook dinner, I want to pick and prod at various foods in my cupboard. I often pick and prod so much that by the time dinner rolls around, I am no longer hungry, but I'm incredibly depressed that I got off my eating game by picking at things like raisins and cooked meat.

I am visualizing tonight right now: I am going to get home and I am going to pour myself a relaxing glass of wine. I will cook the salmon and roast the veggies while leisurely sipping said red wine. I will set the table and put on some relaxing music and, while Maggie plays and helps and shouts, I will think about how delicious my home-cooked meal is going to be, how much I need a fantastic and healthy meal of fish and seasonal vegetables, how grateful I am for my delicious glass of Fleur Pinot Noir, and how deserving I am of a healthy and happy life.

Three days of focus

Breakfast: sautéed broccoli, onion, red pepper, two eggs, sliced avocado, coffee with cream & sugar

Lunch: Asian meatballs, asparagus, apple, water

Snack: banana, water

Dinner: Salmon, spinach salad, roasted veggies, water, hot tea with lemon

Exercise: 2.25 mile run AM, 3.5 mile run PM

On the phone yesterday, I told a friend who struggles with her own weight that I need someone to be around me all of the time so that I don't binge. Bingeing is embarrassing. People binge alone. I rarely even binge around my daughter (though I have with my back facing her). Bingeing is in itself an act of loneliness and desperation. Even overeating isn't a huge problem that I have. It happens occassionally, but I am typically disciplined unless I'm bingeing.

So, last night, I got home from work and had a snack. Then I went to Barre and cleaned up the house because Casey was on his way over. He had eaten at band practice, so I made myself some roasted asparagus and Paleo nuggets. I was feeling a little down yesterday, but I was able to avoid a binge because Casey was present. When he left, I just went to bed. Not having any food in the house (with healthful exceptions) is a big help. I'm at a point where I can't really have any snack foods around. Not even nut butters or nuts.

I even got up and went running in the drizzlerain this morning.

I can do this. I'm three days in. I can do this.